


The Nights are the Worst

by BatmanWhoLaughss



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Episode: s02e12 A Princess on Lothal, Ezra Bridger Needs a Hug, Family Feels, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Ezra Bridger, Hurt/Comfort, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Post-Episode: s02e11 Legacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24329716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss
Summary: He’d cried on Lothal when he first heard the news, grabbing onto Kanan as some stray tears leaked out before he’d had to pull it together for the mission. Now though, it was like a floodgate had opened; he’d been bottling these feelings up while they liberated the cruisers, but he couldn’t do it anymore. It was like nothing Ezra did could stop the flood of emotion pouring out of him as he stared up at his Master from the floor.---Ezra is struggling with the news about his parents. Kanan is there to help.
Relationships: Ezra Bridger & Kanan Jarrus
Comments: 12
Kudos: 171





	The Nights are the Worst

**Author's Note:**

> Have some good old father-son hurt/comfort from our favorite pair. I love these two and I can't get enough of them. Kanan is such a good DAD OKAY.

Ezra’s saber hummed loudly, the brilliant blue lighting up the dark of the cargo bay. The small training bot Kanan fashioned fired stun bolts at him, one after the other in rapid succession. He deflected them one by one, breathing hard as he finished the sequence. He moved right into a combination exercise, running through saber forms 2 and 3 without pausing. Sweat poured down the back of his neck, his muscles screaming with the effort and his breathing ragged. Again and again he moved, starting up the training bot again as he all but danced around the cargo bay.

 _Don’t stop._ He almost wished Kanan were here to watch him, to tell him how he was doing and help him perfect his technique, but it was the middle of the night and Kanan was asleep and _I need to keep going_ . If he stopped, he’d fall asleep, and if he fell asleep, he would dream. In his dreams, his parents were there, but they were _gone_ now. They’d always been gone, but he let himself hope that they weren’t and now the pain was so much worse. 

He was panting harder now, struggling to keep up as the stun bolts started coming faster and faster, his lightsaber almost a blur in the dark. His vision was blurring as he dimly realized tears were running down his face. He cried out as he missed a step and a blaster shot hit his leg. Landing on his back with a _thud,_ he sheathed his saber as he fell to the floor. Pausing the training bot, he sat up, curling his knees into his chest as he took a shaky breath. He thought of the picture sitting in his quarters as he drew himself in even further and the tears came harder. _It’s my fault. It’s all my fault._

_\---_

Kanan stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall with crossed arms as he listened to the faint hum of Ezra’s lightsaber coming from the cargo bay. Hera could hear it too, and he could see the concerned expression on her face that mirrored his own. “He’s been at it for hours,” she said, turning her green eyes to meet Kanan’s. He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck and blinking sleep from his eyes.

“He hasn’t been sleeping,” he mumbled. “Not since the Lothal mission.” He could feel Ezra’s presence through the bond they shared, the thrill of fighting mixing with something darker: a cocktail of grief, regret, remorse and shame that almost broke Kanan’s heart. 

“You’ve gotta talk to him, Kanan.” Hera put her hand on his arm and he sighed again.

“I don’t know if he’ll listen to me.”

“He will. You’re the only one who understands what he’s going through.” He knew she was right; the emotions he felt pouring from Ezra were the same ones he struggled with in the years after the Jedi fell. He was vividly reminded of himself at Ezra’s age, shadow boxing for hours when the pain got so bad that he couldn’t think straight, desperate to shut his brain off. He ached for his apprentice, for everything he lost and the hope that was so cruelly snatched away from him. He swallowed thickly, his heart pounding as he felt the swirl of feelings coming from Ezra reach a crescendo, seeping through the Force like a crashing wave. 

“I can try.” He started moving down the hall towards the cargo bay when he heard Hera call his name again. 

“He’ll be okay, Kanan. He will, if you help him.” Hera smiled encouragingly at him before retreating back to her quarters. 

\---

Ezra didn’t know how long he sat there, his arms wrapped around his knees and his head bowed low as his sobs ripped through him. He was trembling, his body shaking all over as he tried to curl in even tighter, making himself as small as possible in the dim light of the cargo hold. He knew he should be quiet; the others were sleeping and he knew they all needed rest after the last few days, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as his cries grew louder.

He felt the presence suddenly, a warm, comforting feeling of compassion and love washing over him like a blanket. He lifted his head from where it rested on his knees, peering out through bleary eyes to see Kanan standing there with a pained look on his face. 

He’d cried on Lothal when he first heard the news, grabbing onto Kanan as some stray tears leaked out before he’d had to pull it together for the mission. Now though, it was like a floodgate had opened; he’d been bottling these feelings up while they liberated the cruisers, but he couldn’t do it anymore. It was like nothing Ezra did could stop the flood of emotion pouring out of him as he stared up at his Master from the floor.

“Oh, Ezra…” Kanan was moving, dropping to his knees beside Ezra in a heartbeat. Ezra reached for him, all thoughts of putting on a brave face in front of his master abandoned as he buried his head in Kanan’s chest. He was squeezing him so tightly he was surprised Kanan could breathe, the steady pounding of his heart a calming force as Ezra started sobbing even harder. 

He clung to the thin material of Kanan’s shirt like it was a lifeline, holding on for dear life as he struggled to get his emotions under control. He felt Kanan’s hand come up to stroke his hair, keeping up a steady rhythm as Ezra cried. They’d been moving so fast for the past few days, and now that there was finally a lull, everything Ezra had been burying deep down was finally coming to the surface like a tidal wave. 

They sat there for a long time, Ezra gripping Kanan tightly as Kanan murmured comforting words into his ear and accompanied them with the same impressions through the Force. “Ezra, hey, I’ve got you. I’m here, I’m right here kiddo.” Kanan’s hand was still stroking his hair, the other beginning to rub up and down his back. “You’re okay, it’s all okay, just take deep breaths for me, alright?” 

Ezra’s breaths were coming in hiccups as he struggled to speak. “Kanan it-it's my _fa-ault._ It wa-was my transmission and now they’re _gone_ and I’m _alone_ -”

Kanan pulled back, gripping Ezra’s face in his hands and forcing him to look at him. “Hey, hey. It _wasn’t_ your fault, you hear me?” His thumbs came up to wipe the tears from Ezra’s cheeks, and Ezra closed his eyes as the memory of his father doing the same flashed in his brain. “Don’t say that.” Kanan pressed one of Ezra’s hands to his own chest, so that Ezra could feel the steady rise and fall of his breathing. “Cmon, kid, you can do it. Breathe with me, I know you can. I’m right here.” 

Slowly, as if an eternity passed, Ezra felt his breathing start to slow, his tears drying as his heartbeat slowed to keep pace with Kanan’s. He was still trembling as Kanan pulled him close again and he buried his face in the crook of his neck. 

“If they hadn’t heard the transmission I sent, they wouldn’t have gotten themselves killed trying to escape.” Ezra’s voice was hoarse, but hard and bitter. 

“You can’t think like that.” Kanan resumed stroking his back, and Ezra could feel his warm aura in the Force acting like a cushion. “They did what they did because they were inspired by you. They were so proud of you, Ezra, just like I am.”

Ezra sighed, trying to burrow closer into Kanan’s warmth, if it were possible. “I really thought I’d see them again, Kanan. I wanted to, so _much._ ” He whispered the words into Kanan’s neck. 

“I know, kid. I _know._ ” Kanan sounded close to tears himself. “Believe me, I know what it’s like to have hope snatched away from you like that.” Ezra felt him tense slightly. “After the Jedi fell, I got a message telling me to go back home, that things had calmed down. Just for a moment, I thought things were going back to normal, that there’d be someone there. But it was a trap-- there was no one left.” 

Ezra looked up at Kanan, pulling back to look him in the eye. Kanan gripped both of his arms tightly as he spoke again. “I know what it’s like to feel guilty for surviving when others didn’t. I was alone for a long time. I know how hard this is for you, but you’re _not_ alone okay? Not ever.” Kanan was smiling at him, a soft smile that Ezra wanted to commit to memory. He couldn’t help but smile back as the truth of Kanan’s words washed over him through the bond they shared. “I’ll be here, every step of the way, and so will the rest of us. So will your parents.”

He thought back to their conversation as they flew into Lothal. _I was alone. Regardless of how this turns out, I didn’t want you to be._ Kanan was always there, always ready with a steady hand on his shoulder or a well-placed blaster bolt to pull him out of trouble. He’d been abandoned by more people than he could count, left on his own to fend for himself, but never by his master. Kanan made him feel safer than he’d felt since he was seven, and Ezra knew he wouldn’t lie to him now.

Ezra sighed, wiping the last stray tears from his eyes. “I know you will, and I know what you said about the Force and death, but it _hurts_ , Kanan. I miss them so _much._ ”

“I know, Ezra. It’s going to be hard, but you’ve gotta try and focus on the good things. They loved you-- they wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up like this.”

Kanan stood up, offering Ezra his hand. “Think you’ll be able to get some sleep?” 

“I don’t know…” As he said it though, a wave of exhaustion slammed into him, the results of the hours of lightsaber training and crying melding together. Ezra swayed as he stood up, Kanan’s arm coming around his shoulder to steady him. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Kanan led him towards the ladder to the bunks. “C’mon kid. You need to sleep, you’re exhausted. You can bunk with me tonight.” 

“I don’t want to keep you up…” They reached the door to Kanan’s bunk before he knew it. 

“You won’t.” Kanan led Ezra into his quarters, pushing him down onto the bottom bunk gently and pulling the blanket up over him. “I’ll take the top. I’ll be here if you need me, okay?” 

“Thank you, Kanan.” Ezra’s voice was small; the embarrassment was setting in, and he was ashamed that he needed Kanan to do this for him. “You didn’t have to do this.” 

“Hey, come on, none of that. You don’t have to thank me. It’s what I’m here for.” 

He ran his hand once more across Ezra’s forehead before climbing up to the top bunk. Ezra rolled over, curling on his side and finally starting to relax as his body succumbed to the need of sleep. His eyes began to close, his hands fisting into the blankets as he felt Kanan’s presence above him. The familiar aura felt like home, like family and solace and support, and even though he felt the loss of his parents to his very core, Ezra didn’t feel quite so alone anymore. His parents were gone, but he still had a family, one that loved him and supported him and would help him finish what they started. 

For the first time since he and Kanan had arrived on Lothal, Ezra slept and did not dream.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback/kudos is very much appreciated as always :)


End file.
